It’s really *not* just a boob

Some simple minded folks – read: misogynistic pigs – may accuse women of double-think when it comes to their tits. On the one hand, we want to be able to freely feed our offspring, however we choose, without anyone commenting or degrading us. Because, it’s just a boob.

Really. That’s all it is. A breast. A breast that biologically, mind you, was designed to feed a baby. Not designed for you to ogle at and drool over. Humans are mammals, are we not? Mammals are so named due to the fact that we have these things called mammary glands. What do mammary glands do, you ask?  Whythey make milk to feed babies/young offspring! 

 – Hipster Homemaker, It’s Just a Boob, People

Then on the other hand, when someone cops a feel, we get insulted. “I just grabbed her tit.” There’s no just in grabbing my breast/boob/tit/fun-bag. Your hand, my body, no permission, unacceptable.

You may be asking yourself why the random rant. I’ll tell you. Last night, the Man and I got the rare treat of going out with other adults without any children at all present. You know what that means


So while the Man and his friend played some games at an adults-only-after-9PM arcade, my friend and I had a few drinks. Then we all hopped in the car together to go to an “exotic dancing” club. I’m not quite sure why I assumed this, but since it wasn’t a full-on strip club (the dancers were entirely clothed), I just thought there’d be something else to do other than watch scantily clad women dance on a stage. Like…I don’t know. An area where we could dance, since there was heavy electronic music.

I was wrong. All four of us were fairly bored – come on, who wants to sit around for that when you could be at home doing more entertaining things, like each other? The Man’s friend and I head out for a cigarette. While outside, a rather large man came out and started talking to us. It was cool. He was nice. We were chatting about his buddy’s bachelor party and how it was so oddly warm.

He asks me what I think. I say, “I’m not too impressed.” Because I wasn’t. Large man proceeds to say how he’s disappointed, but glad he came outside. “You have amazing – I mean it, amazing, beautiful breasts.” I said thank you and started to take a step back, sensing things were about to go horribly wrong.

The fat fuck then grabbed my breast. He didn’t grab it like a clumsy 14-year-old boy who has just discovered the wonderment and joy of a the female form. He ran his fingers across my nipple region like a man examining the flank of a horse he’s about to purchase. There was something about his motion that was dirtier, more invasive, than a fumbling over-eager grope. I froze for a moment before crossing my arm across my chest, inching closer to Friend and taking a deep drag of my smoke.

Friend never broke eye contact with Fat Fuck. I said, “Good thing for you my boyfriend wasn’t out here.” He quickly changed the topic, back to the bachelor party. Again, “Perfect excuse to grab a total stranger’s tit without her permission.” Then I told Friend I was going back inside.

He stayed with Fat Fuck. He later reported Fat Fuck tried to become fast-friends with two of the other guys outside, who’d witnessed the events. They apparently laughed at him. He went to his car. Meanwhile, I was informing the Man with a simple request: “Don’t end up in jail.”

It took 15 minutes for that fucker to come back in, at which point the Man walked up behind him and told him how out of line he was. Fat Fuck apologized, said he didn’t know I was there with anyone. The Man has sisters and nieces and daughters. “So it’s OK to grope a single woman? I should break your arm.” He apologized some more, about ready to shit himself with two men calling him out.

I can guarantee you, after it was all said and done, Fat Fuck looked to his Fat Fuck Friends and said, “I don’t get the problem. I just touched her boob.” And all the Fat Fucks were in agreement – it’s just a boob.

Let’s make this simple for the assholes who believe this is double think. It’s always just a boob. Like it’s just as ass or just a leg. That doesn’t, however, give you permission to touch it. If you want my attention, kindly tap the socially appropriate spot on my shoulder. The one that everyone knows is the only place on your body that can be touched by a stranger who is not actively trying to save your life. 

You never know. If the Man hadn’t said anything, if we’d just let it go – he just touched my boob – then maybe next time Fat Fuck would have encountered a boyfriend (or friend, or brother, or highly chivalrous stranger) who would have happily just broken his arm.


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  1. Fat people « WTF! AYS? - January 28, 2013

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